Sunday, May 20, 2012
Taxi cab moment or the freak out spiral
A few weeks ago, I participated in the Things I'm Afraid to Tell You link up and started off writing about a memory I had involving a taxi right when Alex was getting out of the hospital, but at the end of the post, realized that what I was really writing about was Alex's accident.
Writing that post was really good for me (thank you creature comforts for giving me the inspiration!) and I have come to refer to other things since then as a "taxi cab moment."
Let me explain. Ultimately, I freaked out in my story about not being able to hail a cab- kind of an insignificant thing right? And yet how many times have I done that in my life? Just the other day I was freaking out about new neighbors moving in. I know it's normal but it's a change that I don't have control over. There it is- control. I'm starting to realize that those seemingly minor freak outs are not actually freak outs about that seemingly minor thing. They are triggered by not having control in that moment which sends me into an a freak out spiral about not having control about life.
Right now for me, my control freak out spiral always comes back to Alex's accident- the biggest thing in my life that I feel like I have no control over. And the thing that I've realized works is talking about it- with Alex especially. The other night when I was having my taxi cab moment about the new neighbors moving in downstairs, I stopped for a second and realized that all of the anxiety I was feeling wasn't really about them at all. It was just triggering buried anxiety. So I told Alex and we started talking, and before I knew it we were just talking about the accident. Really talking about it. Not talking about surgeries or current pain but just what it's meant for both of us, how it's made us feel on different levels.
The conversation did not miraculously heal Alex or undo the fact that the accident ever happened but it made me feel really good. I don't feel better. I'm still not where I want to be, but I feel like I know what to talk about when I'm feeling anxious about something insignificant now, and that's a teeny tiny piece of control that I'm going to hold on to tight and try to remember to use.
I'm curious readers, do you find yourself in taxi cab moments too? How do you deal with gaining back a little sense of control or just letting go completely? I'd love to hear your tips, tricks and stories about this sort of thing.
Labels: things i'm afraid to tell you